Okay, so you got speared by a javelin. Stop crying! It may seem like Myanmar on your leg right now, but crying won't get that thing out of there. No, what you need to do is apply pressure to it. Get some gauze! Oh, all right, I'll get it. Guess I have to do everything. No, no. It's fine. I'll eat this sandwich later. Have kind of lost my appetite anyway. Now, just hold the gauze against the wound like so. Don't press too hard! Just firm enough to keep it from bleeding so much. There. That should do it. The javelin should fall out in a couple of days. Just avoid square dancing and taking the subway and you should be fine. Now get back up on your feet and go out there and get some livin' done!

This post is dedicated to four out of five dentists.